Breakthrough Seizures

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you have no choice but to catch it, hit it, or dodge it. I had been seizure free since April of 2014 and then, at the end July, I had one of my spells. I have non-epileptic seizures. I never fully lose consciousness and I don't jerk or twitch, I just sort of shut down for a minute. I lose control of my body. I can't move or respond to what's going on around me. It's almost like a reset button has been pressed.

I happened to have a neurology appointment a few weeks after the initial event. My neurologist and I talked about the possible return of these seizures. She told me that sometimes people just have breakthrough episodes. No one can predict them nor can we control them. It's unfortunate but at least we can limit their recurrence.

I'm on a relatively high dose of Topamax already, an anti-seizure medication. I also take Lyrica for neuropathic pain. It has an anti-seizure medication in it as well, so no need to change any of my medication. There are triggers, however, for seizures. Stress, lack of sleep and excess alcohol consumption can all contribute to breakthrough episodes.

Unfortunately, there has been no lack of stress around here. From home repairs, car repairs, back to school expenses and now the victims of bank fraud, life has definitely kept us on our toes this year. Lack of sleep? Well, I do my level best to get a good night's sleep every night because lack of sleep contributes to a higher risk of migraines and so does an excess of alcohol. But I'm human. So I don't always sleep well and I don't always stick to "just one" drink.

The good news is, I haven't had another breakthrough seizure. The bad news is, I'm on three to six months no driving. Three months because I never lost consciousness, up to six months depending on how I feel. If I feel I am not putting myself or others at risk I can start driving again in November. Just in time for holiday travel.

Heart of the Matter

I think I tend to hold off on updating this blog most often of all my blogs because I feel sometimes like I am just coming here to complain. But I don't want to sound like I am complaining. This is about stroke recovery. I have a wonderful life. Sure, there are things I would change if I could. I would love to be able to go back to work or at least make a living working at home. Unfortunately, my health has taken a toll on me in such a way that is just not going to happen any time soon.

I had a date in mind. On June 24 I was going to be allowed to drive again. You have to be six months seizure free before you are allowed to drive. In the state of Texas, physicians don't have to report patients to any authorities when they are experiencing seizures. However, if someone were to have an accident and it were to come out that they have a history of seizures, their license could be taken away permanently. So it's better to be safe than sorry. On April 8, my six months started all over again.

And that has been followed by two weeks of dizziness, nausea, weakness and sometimes periods of disorientation. So I have been a mess. To top it all off, about a month ago I began experiencing chest pain again. I went back in for a visit with my cardiologist. We bumped up the dosage of angina medication. But if in two weeks of taking it, it doesn't work I may have to go in for a heart catheter to look for any blockages or abnormalities that could be causing the pain. It has been one week and I have seen no change.

What bothers me the most about feeling so bad is that it cuts into the time spent with my kids. I had to quit walking them to and from school after one day when I barely it back home. That is valuable time I lost talking and playing with my children. Not to mention the fact I probably embarrassed the hell out them when I sat down on the sidewalk with my head on knees when I got so dizzy I was afraid I would collapse. I also lost several days not meeting my goal this month for my Writing 12 in 12 challenge. It's National Poetry Month and I was trying to write a poem a day, but I couldn't even look at a computer screen for more than a week.

And to my precious nephew, who had to turn four without his Aunt Lala, I am so sorry I couldn't make it to your party. I hope it was wonderful and fantastic and everything you wanted it to be. You are such a big boy and no one will ever love you like I do. I promise I will do my best to be there for every one of your milestones but sometimes I have some hurdles I have to jump over to be there. Hugs and kisses to mommy and daddy. Lala loves you.

Laura's Bad, Awful Day

Whenever I have a bad day, or even an unlucky string of them, I often think back to a Sesame Street book I remember reading when I was a child. Grover's Bad, Awful Day is a book about how things in Grover's world went from bad to worse to truly awful in the eyes of a child. I can really relate to that right now. As an adult I no longer get too bent out of shape when I spill my milk or leave my lunch at home. The things that get me down are no longer the problems of little monsters. I have adult size problems now that require more than my Mommy and a little ice cream to help me figure them out.

It has been so hard lately not to get discouraged at the lack of progress I seem to be making. If anything I feel like with every step forward I make, I take two steps back. This week alone I had a debilitating migraine, killer chest pain, nearly unbearable right pain side, and two seizures. I have had to face the facts that even if my heart is in the right place, I can't do everything on my own.

I realized that I am still just so angry. Not in a "Why me?" kind of way, but more in an "I don't understand" kind of way. I don't understand why I can't just hop back on where I left off. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fix this. I don't understand why my case is so special that no one can figure it out. I can't figure out how best to make myself understood.

The only solution to my problems has been to let go. I don't have the luxury of being too proud to accept help. It's ok to let people in and let them do things for me and for my family. They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to do it. I offer to help all the time because I truly want to be of assistance. Why should I feel so skeptical of others? I need to accept my limitations and move on. No big deal, right? (I say that, but it is still a big deal)

So maybe my bad, awful days aren't as bleak as I imagine. I have family and friends to help me through, if only I will let them. Bad days are good if for nothing else but to make the rest of the days look good by comparison.