The Ruby Slippers

I had set myself on a predestined path. I married young. We children early in our marriage. I had returned to school to get started on a career in forensic science. I was on my way. I have always been a little like that. My own little freight train, chugging along, not paying much attention to what was going on around me. I liked having everything planned out. I liked the comfort of knowing what was going to happen the next day, week and month. I enjoyed the routine of my little life.

When my stroke derailed my plans I tried to make it a temporary stop. I went back to school within a year. And I failed fantastically. I went back to work. And I failed fantastically. I tried to stay home and I failed fantastically. My place in the world had changed. I had started on a journey that I was ill prepared for. The things I wanted and the things I needed were at direct odds with each other.

I wanted an education. But my short term memory had been affected by my stroke. I had a hard time remembering what was discussed from one class period to the next. I couldn't hold on to information long enough to pass the exams. Medication was affecting my concentration. I have seizures because of my stroke and have to take medication to prevent them. They have the unfortunate side effect of messing with your ability to concentrate. After one full year back, a change in majors, and money spent just to drop courses, I made the decision to put off going back to school. Probably forever.

I wanted a career. When school didn't work out, I set about trying to find a job. I found a part time job that I adored. But after two days on my feet, I spent three days on my back. Being active for two days in a row proved to be too much for my post-stroke body. I was less active in school than I was at work. It proved to be too much when my seizures returned and I was put on driving restriction. Eventually I got to the point that I could barely move so I made the decision to walk away from my job.

Now I am at home. I like working on my scripts and on my blogs, but it has been quite a transition. I still have days that I can barely walk even though I don't do nearly as much as I used to. I don't do much housework, but that is a personal decision. I just never developed the taste for it. Besides, I have kids to do it for me. All in all, I hate being at home. I loved the hustle and bustle of my old life. I loved work and school and kids and family and doing it all at the same time. Now everything feels so slow. I move at a snail's pace. I am home waiting for the kids to get home. I home waiting for my husband to get home. I am home waiting for the next time I have something to do. I am at home waiting to get away from home. I am always waiting. I don't have my own life anymore. And it drives me crazy on an hourly basis.

I'm a person in transition. I don't know who I am anymore or where I am going, but I am learning to do it on my own terms. I need to. I used to think I knew everything. This experience has been good for me if for nothing else than to teach me to slow down and appreciate my life. I get it, but can we move things along now?

"I am convinced that the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.” 
― L. Frank Baum, The Land Of Oz